Today

Darling,

 

Happy Second Birthday, my sweet darling!  I cannot believe it’s been two years already.  Mama has been missing you ever so much these past months.  I think about you daily, and wonder about your life.  I wonder what your life would have been like here with us, and I wonder what your glorified life is like with your King in heaven.  I know he’s loving you with a  perfect love, beyond anything I could imagine.  I just can’t help imagine what it would have been like to have you here with us these past two years.  I think you would have been the best big sister for which anyone could ask.  I think about what your spirit would have been like and your demeanor.  Would you have been laidback or a spitfire?  Would you be seeking to do everything for yourself or still wanting help from Mama?  

 

The thing about you, love, is that you are such a bittersweet point in my life.  I miss you terribly and love you dearly.  I long for you to be here and so wish that things would have gone differently.  But we serve a God who always brings us beauty from ashes.  From our loss we were given the blessing of your brother. I’ve learned countless lessons, and been able to help other Mama’s suffering through their own losses. We’ve seen a beautiful garden grow from the barren ground of losing you.  At numerous points throughout the year these things bring me comfort.  Knowing that good has come from our pain and suffering.  Today I’m brokenhearted by the blessings.  I’m grieved at the thought that you had to leave in order for us to be blessed with your brother.  I’m disheartened that you’re going allowed me to learn and help.  I’d so much rather you be here.  I cannot reconcile the desire to have you here and the joy of your brother being here.  Auntie Mere said “It’s an impossible chasm to work through. And it just doesn’t make sense.” It doesn’t make sense, sweetheart.  Some days I see all the blessings and all the beauty, but today I long to see you.  Today I want it all.  I want you and your brother and every other babe that is mine.  I want my happy family, protected from pain and suffering and loss.  Today I’m selfish. Today I hurt. Today I want you here to celebrate the life you should have had.  Tomorrow I’ll celebrate the life you’re living now.  I’ll celebrate you glorying in our Lord.  But today I’m going to hold on to our dream a little tighter, and shed tears for all that you were meant to be.  

 

I love you precious one, I love you dearly.

Mama